Today, me and grandad turned into delivery drivers as we had to get some sand for nanna's school. Grandad used to deliver sand in a previous job so he know what we had to do - or so I thought. We left our 'cab mutt' at home for a little sleep and we headed for a place called Homebase. We had a look around but couldn't find any sand at all. I found a balloon I liked but grandad decided I didn't want it and took it off me.

We then got in the car and went to Wickes and the lady said they didn't do it but try the shop across the road. This was simply a diversionary tactic so she could slope off for a fag or something as the other shop called something like Bum didn't have any either, in fact it didn't have anything at all other than cheapo skanky stuff. Grandad then called a shop near where he lives and they had some so why didn't we try the nearest place first. Loaded securely in the car, we set off for nanna's school just in time for kicking out time and we had to wait for all the mummies and daddies to get their cheerful offspring one by one.

The teacher lady had a worried look on her face when she'd got rid of all the kids but still had an 'adult' waiting there but it was me and grandad and we were dropping off rather than picking up. We asked for nanna and she came out and took me to see Teacher Dolly who I've seen before, she's really nice but looked like crap as she was a bit crook. Grandad took the sandy bags in and put them on the floor. We said hello's then goodbye's and made our way for a real truckers dinner (lunch in the new language).

For the first time that grandad is aware of, I went to a well-known fast food outlet for dinner today. Grandad was in need of some fulfilment in the belly department so took it upon himself to take us into this local culinary establishment. It was quite a disagreeable place in a pleasant sort of way with customers ranging from old folk popping in for a hasty grease-laden snack and a wonder as to what all the fuss is about to school kids who looked like they'd come in to get out of the rain for something to do or more likely, something not to do. Most of them seemed to be texting friends on the next table for some strange reason - why weren't they at school???

My part in this seemed to be a strange joke because whilst grandad sat there with his double-triple nipple cow burger, biggy fries and the obligatory gallon of coke (4.5 litres in new money) plus a cup of coffee, I had to be content with a sandwich he'd made me earlier. He said he was doing me a favour as this type of good was bad for you. Looking at his 'roof-over-the-toolshed' he may have a point. Now for some reason known only to himself, he has to put his fries in the empty half of the burger box and whilst he was arranging his 'plate', he knocked some salt from an opened sachet all over the table much to the amusement of the school kids. After some tutting and cursing he brushed the salt onto the floor with the back of his hand and in doing so, with one hefty swipe, he knocked his cup of coffee all over our table, the floor and the adjoining table which was occupied by an elderly couple. The old lady shrieked in such a high pitch that all the dogs in town took note and the old man jumped and in doing so, he too, knocked his drink all over himself and the lady. It was like watching a synchronised food fight in slow motion whilst I happily ate my sandwich. By now, everyone giggled as they watched the pair of old men clean up the mess. Grandad ate his burger and fries like a man ending a hunger strike and we left with him still eating it on the move whilst gulping mouthfuls of fizzy coke at the same time. I just know that he's going to have one of those burps where your nose fizzes.

Once again for some reason known only to the old fella, we parked in town rather than on the edge where it was free. This change of car park provided its own challenge as it took nearly four days to get around to the barrier on the way out because traffic was queued up in front and even more behind. Now then, as mentioned before, grandad usually parks in the freebie car park where we simply put my buggy in the boot and drive home, so it became quite an adventure when we got to the barrier and grandad wore the kind of expression on his face that usually leads to the disclosure of a monumental cock-up. He fiddled around in his pocket for the car park ticket and eventually found it.

"Phew....." he said, "....that could've been embarrassing".

I looked at him in the middle mirror and his expression changed from one of mild shock to a full blown WTF?!?!?!?! It dawned on him that he hadn't paid the car park at the Pay Station UPSTAIRS. With three quarters of the departing cars queued up in our lane behind us, it wasn't long before a little frustration became apparent amongst the other drivers. What started off as the odd parp of cars horns became a glorious car-horn rendition of the national anthem throughout the ever increasing queue. Those who had paid were now in danger of running out of time before they could exit so they too would be in a degree of similar discomfort at the barrier. Grandad pressed the button by the barrier for assistance and a little man inside the box answered with the enthusiasm of an inmate on Death Row.

"Yes" said the condemned man.

"Sorry to bother you but I'm at the barrier and I appear to have forgotten to pay my ticket" replied my apologetic grandad.

"I know where you are sir. You'll need to go upstairs and pay the charge before you can get out" said the man.

"I do have rather a lot of traffic behind me, I may cause some frustration"

"I'm aware of that sir but you made the balls up so you sort it out, you silly old fart"

He didn't really say that bit but you could tell that here we had a man who clearly hated both his job and anyone stupid enough not to pay for their car park ticket properly. As grandad started to get out, another man in a big bright jacket approached us.

"Forget to pay did you?" he laughed.

"Not at all" grandad replied "I thought I'd stop here to take some photos to remind me of the wonderful time we've had. Thought we'd take on some little jovialities with my fellow shoppers, you sarcastic turd". He may have just said a snivelling 'Sorry' but I could tell grandad wasn't a man to be messed about with.

The man entered a card into the machine and, much to our delight, he let us out for no charge other than ten minutes of utter embarrassment. Barrier raised, we left the car park and no doubt Sebastian Vettel trailing in our wake as we launched our way home leaving a trail of burning rubber.

Once home, I managed to do something that grandad is very good at. He's an expert and its obviously rubbing off on me. I was sat doing some drawing when we heard a little 'pop'. Now this is the same as one of grandad's but a smaller version. Dogg pops, daddy blows off, grandad farts. Grandad asked me if I'd done a pop and I told him it was Millie. All blame was passed on to the defenceless canine!! Later on whilst sat on the worktop getting my shoes on, I took the 'popping' to the next phase and I'm sure grandad will get the blame for it even though he never does such a thing - I looked at grandad then leant slightly to one side and done another 'pop'. A proper professional, slanty angled pop! Grandad done one of his laughs where he tries not to let me see him but I was a step ahead and I caught him sniggering.

Tea was nice - salmon with some of that rice stuff that looks like maggots and pretty much tasted the same too. It was still good and I pinched some of mummy's when she got home.

Ta-rah for now chucks....
Dogg  

Today's the day the teddy bears had their picnic - WRONG. Today's the day The Dogg was leader of the pack. Well, in all honesty, The Dogg is leader of the pack every day and I draw on this conclusion by the fact that I call the shots around here. Today was a little different though because our daily walk was just that - a walk.

Grandad parked the car at the scavvy car park near Iceland (which isn't as far from town as it looks in the atlas) and then got the buggy out of the back. He carefully got it ready, taking time to make sure the warm quilty bit lined up with all the other straps, then he unzipped it ready to accommodate it's ever ready passenger but today, the ever ready passenger wasn't ever ready. When grandad put my biggy jacket on me, I told him I was going to walk today.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah" I could hear him thinking out aloud as he picked me up like a sack of small potatoes and attempted to put me carefully into my buggy.  Now you've all heard the funny stories about tiny tots going into that state of rigidness that defies all logic but I've now managed to perfect this art with varying degrees of success. Today was one of those good days and my statue state posed enormous problems for grandad. I managed to go sooooooo solid that I slipped right out of the buggy like I was a plank of wood. He asked me nicely to get into the buggy but had no joy. He asked me not so nicely to get into the buggy and had equal success. He isn't easily swayed normally but like the football team he supports (West Ham), he gave in quicker than they did at Man City last week. I waited like a little soldier whilst he put the buggy back into the boot of the car and I heard him say 'bloody kids', 'bloody buggy', 'bloody dog' and 'this is going to take all bloody day' as he looked forward to our little stroll.

Now I use the word stroll lightly, very lightly. I held grandad's hand as we walked up the slope for Millie to have her first wee and then we came to the zebra crossing. A man in a van stopped to let us cross although I'm not sure he wanted to. It didn't take long though and we waved at the man as he left. He seemed quite a nice man as he waved back. Then we walked over the bridge with the cars whooshing underneath at 200mph and as I watched them, it made me go all dizzy. We crossed the next zebra crossing with no trouble, no traffic and we walked around the corner.

"CRANE!!!!!" I shouted as the one with the floppy top came into view. Grandad jumped and after he'd changed his nappy, we carried on into town at the pace of a icy glacier. Lots of people said we looked cute, a very observant point for which I take all the credit. We stopped at some pretty lights and grandad said we had to wait for a green man. Well I looked everywhere but I couldn't see a green man anywhere. There were lots of brown ones from Asia, a few black ones the West Indies, some white ones from England and Poland and two orange girls from Essex but not once did I see a green one but we crossed the road all the same. The lights changed about seven times before we got to the other side and the traffic stretched right up to Hemel Hempstead but we made it safely.

All this time I was carefully holding grandad's hand, even when I jumped in the puddles but when we walked into Ellie's Haircut shop road, I told grandad I wasn't holding his hand anymore. I'm a big boy now and it's time to give me space. I was still good but grandad wasn't keen on not having hold of me. I went to the cold marble seat by Boots and asked grandad to sit next to me. After a short time, his bum got cold and we made our way back through town. Grandad said I had to hold his hand or be carried so I opted for the carry for a while. I got back down and we walked back holding hands again. Finally, back in the car, we headed home. All this walking mullarky made me a tad tired and I was asleep in seconds. Next thing I knew, I woke up in my bed at grandad's with Millie laying on the floor next to my bed. Grandad came and got me and my dinner was ready when I got downstairs. As I said, leader of the pack - or so I thought. I need to look into the criteria for child labour and will be in contact with ChildLine in the near future because after my dinner I had to wash up!! I washed my plate, fork and poon and then put them back in the water. Grandad pulled a funny face and so I done it again - and again. I even washed up Millie's bowl because she can't do it as she's just a dog.

Grandad just doesn't get Peppa Pig. He can't see what us kids see in it but he sat with me whilst we watched it for a little while all the same. He says things like nobody can eat pancakes like that and Mr Bull wouldn't be that nice if he was a real builder blokey. He just doesn't get it because he grew up with Thunderbirds and Tom & Jerry, daddy had Ninja Turtles (which was a cartoon and not a bowel movement complaint).

We done our Hells Kitchen act as normal and sorted the evening meals for me, mum and dad and for Ronnie and Reggie too and that was about it apart from the great big lorry grandad got down from the scary room in the roof. It was massive and I can easily sit in the back although it does tip me straight back out onto the floor. It moved all my bricks in one big go, it was brilliant.

That's it for now, my trusty followers......

Dogg

Sorry for the delay but me and grandad have been a little busy after our usual Monday bonding session. Apart from grandad day, I'm now working full time at the childkeepers house with my mates Tuesday to Friday. I used to have Friday with mummy but she got a good deal in the January transfer market so I'm now out all week. It has to be said that I'm getting paid no more for the extra day but in all fairness, I'm getting no less either.

Back to Monday, well what a performance we had this week. I decided that today ALL the toys were coming out, not just a box or three but every single one of them - cars, bricks, haminals, books, teddies - everything. It was like a little stock-taking session. Brrrrrrrooooom went the cars and vans, "kak, kak, kak" went the little ducks in the books, all fall down went grandad's big brick tower. Grandad then went and spoilt it all by taking us into town for our walk, although this was still good fun. We had to stop in a garage to buy some 'juice' that makes the car go but grandad put a card in the juice pumper thing, filled up with about 79 pence worth of juice then drove off without paying the man in the little shed place. I felt like a criminal and kept checking behind us for the nah-nah's.

We parked in our usual place in town and walked past the little man with the limp, the men with the extra fat smokey sticks and the ladies who drink from brown paper bags and then on into town. Millie kept tugging at her lead but grandad wasn't too sure of what she wanted so we carried on with our walk. It was quite busy today although we were a bit later than normal  and it was nearly dinner time. Grandad said that we should take Millie to the park with the big lion in so she could do number twos but as we made our way, Millie decided she wasn't going to make the big lion park and she tugged at her lead so hard that both me and grandad spun around like Torvill and Dean dancing on mice. She turned around nearly two times then arched her back in that funny way that dogs do and then she done it in the middle of town! As you may remember, she's done this before and it was embarrassing then, cars and buses were brought to a halt as she dolloped in the middle of the road. Grandad pulled her whilst in mid-motion (Millie not grandad - perish the thought of that!!!) but that only resulted in another less than ideal skid mark across the road. Today she eclipsed that by a very good margin. Today was right out of the top drawer of the embarrassing book. Millie had decided that enough was enough, her bowel movements needed to be moved and now was the time - right outside the restaurant called COSMO, slap bang in the middle of town but slap in the middle of LUNCHTIME! People seated in the middle and the back of the restaurant were oblivions to the mindless vandalism going on outside but the people sat by the window got full view of Millie's pouting rear end about to unload her sausage of waste right before their eyes. No doubt these same people asked to sit near the window for a better view and the management obliged accordingly. Young kids shouted and laughed as they pointed at the curly sausage unravelling before their eyes. Mums and dads looked at their plates of sausage casserole and slowly pushed them to one side. One old lady even put her glasses on to get a better view!!

This, of course, wasn't the end of it. Millie then done that thing that dogs do when they flick their legs backwards as though indicating the deed had been done - mission accomplished. As she flicked her leg backwards, she just managed to catch a bit of the cack and it flew at a pace that would've made Usain Bolt a very proud man, right into the middle of the restaurant window. I kid you not, Exorcet missiles don't have the same accuracy that this had. People at the table in direct line with the projectile jumped out of the way as if the soggy doggy turd was going to obliterate the window. Grandad went as red as red can be as he attempted to wipe it off but he only smudged it more so he dragged us all off at tremendous speed. After a while, a very short while, he began a small giggle which in turn became a louder laugh and before long tears were streaming down his eyes as people looked at him with a curious gaze. 

With the trip to the big lion park now no longer required, we strolled around a little bit (using some back streets) before heading home. Grandad said that we would stop off at the park on the way home to give Millie an extra run. We went to a park where grandad used to live with nanna and we let Millie run around chasing her ball. On the way back, we had to cross a little ditch and as we did, grandad realised that Millie had left her ball on the other side. He left me and Millie as he ran around to get it. It was only 10/20 feet away but he decided that rather than use the little bridge, he would return via a dodgy looking plank that straddled the ditch. Now, people that know my grandad will see that he isn't as nimble as he once was. People that really know my grandad, may know that he never was in the first place but I'm too young to remember. 

Only a fool would get halfway across a splintered plank and then stand up and raise his arms as though he'd won some sort of territorial victory. Me and Millie exchanged glances as we wondered what the hell he'd been drinking as he then continued the two steps to safety. TWO steps that's all it was. After one step the plank decided that it had had enough of this lumbering buffoon and as he stood slightly left of centre, the plank wobbled and grandad lost his footing and plunged downwards with one leg either side of the dislodged plank. With the crown jewels about to take the full force of a more than fully grown man, Mille, me and grandad had looks of impending doom etched on our faces but the depth of the ditch was no more than a foot or so and needless hours of pain and discomfort were avoided. I told grandad it was time to return to the relative safety of home and we trudged back to the car.       

To be honest, the rest of the day was little more than a blur. We waited for mummy to come home before we ate our dinner together which is always nice. Nanna returned home and we had a chat and a giggle before grandad had to get ready for work. God only knows what is in store for us next week and I trust we'll all get through another day in a good degree of safety. More poor mummy is going to have kittens when she sees what I have to put up with each week.

Until next week, my ever faithful followers.........
Dogg

Mummy took me to town on Saturday to get me some new shoes and by all accounts, I was a little monkey.

As mummy walked me in town in my buggy, we met nanna and grandad coming towards us but this was only because they couldn't hide in time. They caught me mid-wobbler as I was trying to do a restrained-semi-pirouette in my buggy whilst practising for the evening episode of Splash!!! Grandad came over and talked to me to try and calm me down but failed miserably. Nanna had as much joy and then grandad took me out of me buggy and we walked off together. Listen to this - my grandad, who loves me quite a bit, told me I was naughty! All I wanted to do was take a little walk, I was getting new shoes and wanted the chance to wear my old ones out first.

In the shop, mummy and nanna took me to the shoe lady and then in walked nanny Jan and another lady. Grandad sat outside in the pouring rain with Millie as they sheltered from the icy rain drops that bounced off grandad's napper. I know he was quietly proud of me for using up a mummy, two nans, the other lady and half a dozen shoe shop assistants not much older than me - quite an expensive pair of shoes, he would chuckle. Back outside and whilst waiting, grandad was walking Millie in the raining ice cubes which really wasn't the best thing for a bald man to do.

Yesterday I was back at grandad's after his summer break and we had the bestest time for ages. Every Monday is usually good but yesterday was even betterer. I was an angel - my words, not grandad's. We played for ages with the digger and the dustbin lorry then I cooked the fruit bits in my kitchen pans. We took Millie for another walk in the rain but we went too far for me to want to walk so I sat quietly and enjoyed it. When we got back, grandad had some telly programme on where the men threw little spears. I don't think they were very good because they didn't score many points and all they were doing was throwing from one side of the telly to the other - I know because I saw it, 2 feet from one side to the other and they still missed!! Rubbish.

Peppa Pig?!! Grandad said Peppa Pig is stupid but is then quite happy to watch Tom and Jerry or Scooby Poo. I don't mind Tom and Jerry because they make ice cream (although I don't like ice cream) but Scooby Poo I'm not so sure about.

I made dinner whilst grandad put his feet up and then I got tea ready as well with some chicken in a spicy bag. We cut some taytoes up and warmed them up for me and mummy. We went into the garage to pick some vegtables out of the freezer and whilst in there, grandad turned on the twirly dryer thing and it scared the crap out of me. I jumped so high, I could've winned a Lympik medal in a single bound. After our spot of lunch, grandad made me wash up!! This wasn't too bad because I washed the bits then put them back in the bowl for him to do again. It was good fun and we only got the floor a little bit wet.

I was sooooooo hungry that I had my dinner before mummy came home and it never touched the sides. Grandad had some funny looking stuff but we happily ate away and talked about our day. Now this is something that I'm beginning to get better at, the art of conversation. Me and grandad spend ages talking about all sorts of things but I'm not sure whether I'm getting better or he's getting worse, either way we understand each other quite well. LOL!!

When mummy came home, I helped her eat her dinner too much to grandad's surprise. Nanna came home and I showed them all what a super boy I am. I enjoyed Christmas time but its good to be back to normal so until next week, I bid you farewell.

Dogg