On Wednesday I had to put in an extra shift to cover the sicky I pulled last week but mummy overwoke. Now, in my short existence on this wonderful planet, I have learnt that mummy has her hair looking nice - always has been, always will be. I have also noticed that for ladies to have such niceness of the barnet, it takes a little time to produce such wonderfully flowing locks and mummy is no exception to this - in fact quite the opposite. Elephants have been known to reproduce quicker, the Polar Ice Cap is melting at a faster rate and new forms of life are being found in the far reaches of the Australian Outback!! This, believe me, is no minor job. It must also be said that when she has finished it, she looks scrumptious. 

So back to my daily tale, we eventually arrived at nanny and grandad's just before 8:30 and to my utter disgustedness, no grandad and no Millie!! I looked under to sofa, under the telly cupboard, in the toilet (this is his usual hidey hole) but nothing. I wasn't bothered because he left me with his younger apprentice, nanny! She's much calmer than grandad and used to working with kids of all descriptions but she's on one of her extra long holidays so she took a turn with me. Because she's calmer than the old fella, it was easy for me to fall asleep so I went to beddy-byes for my nap. 

I awoke to an entire tribe in the house. Uncle Ryan got me when I woke up and took me downstairs. We had a great cuddle and he makes me laugh. Grandad was now home and so was Millie. They were out for ages and it wasn't long to see why - Millie had been for a haircut too so it's not just lady humans, it's lady dogs as well!!!! 

Oh dear, my grandad isn't looking so grand today! He's looking rather crook!! He went out with nanny for Maccy D's to celebrate their wedding and it looks like he had a dodgy burger. On frequent rushes upstairs, a violent assault on the best Armitage porcelain was quite inevitable. Looks like he's aiming to steal my King of the Poohs title!! 

We went to nanny's school once grandad could contain his bowel movements long enough for us to see some daylight. It was a very old school and the kids have some rather funny names but it was really nice. Nanny let me walk her across the road which was good practice for when I'm a Boy Scout - dib, dib, dib. Then we went to Tesco to do some shopping. This was the bestest time for ages as I got to drive the big buggy with the food in the back - I am now a trucker just like grandad was. "Let them truckers roll. 10-4, good buddy". 

After dinner we played in the garden - when I say we, I mean me and nanny as grandad was often caught in a state of confusion on which direction to run. He wanted to blow-off but said it was too dangerous. He wanted to eat but said he hadn't want to have it twice, so me and nanny played with the toys. I then went for a swim in grandad's swimming pool - I didn't really want to but I did. Grandad thought it was funny to splash me but not so funny when I done a big bomb and soaked him back. 

Nanny then made a little mistake. She was doing the dinner but I saw her so I wanted mine - and I wanted mine NOW! A little impatient maybe but a growing trucker needs his Yorkie and this trucker was waiting for nobody. I got my dinner and ate it outside with grandad - with grandad helping not grandad as a side order as even I couldn't eat that much. 

On the way home with mummy (who's hair was still looking nice), I fell asleep. They woke me up to bath me then fell asleep again for hours and hours. 

Trucking is a tiring job. 

Until next week.....

Dogg

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HALLELUUUUUUUUUUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRAISE THE LORD, WE HAVE A NEW KING

Today, July 22nd 2013, some time this afternoon, a new king became known to hundreds of people around town. It was a monumental occasion and the news will spread like wildy fire. After a great deal of heaving and shoving, puffing and panting along with a varying degree of sweatiness, I finally had a pooh beyond all poohs and I've taken over as King of the Poohs. What a pile and a bit on the pongy side too which grandad found slightly off-putting as he merrily chomped away on his sandwich.

I also hear that there is a new kid on the block in the popularity stakes. A new pretender to my title. Apparently, the royal lady from down the road hasn't eaten her baby after all (as reported in last week's edition) or if she did, it didn't agree with her and she spewed it up. She had a baby boy and he's going to be King. Now that I find a little strange, where will they get a hat with the glittery bits that will fit him? 

Apart from my historical outlay, today has been one of the funniest for ages. We had to stay in this morning because grandad has a sore eye and had to wait for the parcel man to bring him a new pad for it, which he didn't even wear!! It was a little boring at first so I decided that grandad needed to be on his toes and on his toes he most definitely was. I made several attempts of trying to run through the patio doors and grandad wisely thought it was safer to both man, beast and window that he let me outside to play in the sunnyshine. That was his first mistake!! I ran from one fence to the other fence, the back door to the side door, around the table, up the steps into the house, down the other steps out of the house. There wasn't one grassy blade that I didn't cover and of course, grandad covered the same but slightly easier. Grandad put up the new tenty thing and it promptly fell over again, he carefully positioned it to shade me from the harmful rays of Mr Sunshine but it moved. It was like he was playing chess in the garden but the sun was winning. 

In the afternoon we managed to venture out into the wilderness and we went back into town to buy a crumby old card for nanny as it is nanny and grandad's wedding birthday tomorrow. Grandad isn't very good at buying cards that don't have any sweary words in them or picture of monkey's bums or stupid jokes of penguins called Bert and things. If he has to buy a sensible card, he can't - he's rubbish. We all went into the shop together, grandad looked on the carefully positioned sign outside and it never said no dogs, no doggs or much apart from no smokey sticks, so in we went quite merrily. The young girl behind the counter didn't look too happy, in fact she looked like she'd never looked happy in her life. I tried to hide under my sunshine-keeper-offer but couldn't pull it right over. Millie tried to walk out but grandad had a firm grip on her lead. He was going to embarrass us all with his rubbish choice of card for nanny - how did she manage so long without boshing him on the hooter??

Card selected, we moved on to find the car and return home. Grandad drove us back and I must say he done it without exposing us to any sunshine damage. Where we couldn't take refuge from the town buildings, grandad followed some slightly plump people whose shadows done a good a job as any building could. Clever grandad.

Back home, I continued to give grandad the runaround and did so until nanny and mummy came home. I had a little bit of tea before causing a bit more havoc until mummy took me home. 

Another great day, millions of giggles and plenty of exercise for the old fella..........

DOGG

I pulled a sicky last Monday, so we have some catchying up to do with news and views in the headlining;

• In Hegip, the place where the pyramids grow, there has been some fisty-cuffs about a man they voted in who they don't want!!!
• At home, we're in a time called a heaty wave, a time where grandad takes his clothes off. Now it has to be said that this isn't good viewing! Heaty waves are like a summer but they only come here every 10 years or so
• The Royal lady who has the husband with the squashed snout is expecting to get a baby. Why can't she just ask for a PS3. The new Queen is still fat and looks like she's eaten her baby.
• In sport
• Some Lions played with some Wallabies before eating them
• A British girl called Mandy Hurry won the ping-pong at Wimbledon. Last year she came second and was Scottish but this year she won and is now British, that's clever.
• Some men in white were playing for some Splashes over the weekend in a game that lasts FIVE DAYS. I could walk home in five days. England beat the upside down men by 14 kilos or something like that.
• A footballer who looks like Shrek went on holiday, landed and came back again. As he earns a lot of money for missing the goal, he can afford the extra quick return.

All happens when I take a day off doesn't it. Now then, this heaty wave thing. How cool is that, or rather how cool isn't that. We went into town purely for the fact that the sun was once again shining its little head off. Grandad said the scenery in town is much better when the sun shines like this. I'm now a little confused - how can the scenery be better in the sun?? There were still lots of peoples at the Job Shop, mostly the same people who say "Hi Dogg" and "Hi dog" when me and Millie walk past (its nice to be famous). The man was still selling his Big Tissues, the Scottish lady, who may be the granny of Mandy Hurry, stills makes a fuss of us by Spectacle Savers and the people with the smokey sticks are still standing outside their office making pollution. Even the little man who is an inch and a half taller than me was there - he walks as though he has one pocket full of change. How can the scenery be any better?? But wait..........I spy a fellow toddler in a pretty pink dress and ponies tails on her head. She looks licious but I must add, her driving skills are rubbish. She hit the kerb and her mum dropped some shopping. 

There were white girls in black shorts, black girls in white shorts, old men in loose shorts and gay men in tight shorts. A lady wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt came running towards us and it looked like Mickey was waving at us with rings on his fingers. Me and grandad liked that - grandad seemed to like that a lot. I saw a big group of kids from a planet called Italy. They said hello to me and Millie whilst grandad watched Mickey Mouse disappear into the horizon; "Bon journey" and "Have a Verderchi". Thank you, my little Italian counterparts - we did have a journey but I don't know what a Verderchi is I'm afraid. To be honest, I have no desire to know what one is and a lot less intention of having one anyway but I thank you for your kind offer.

We saw a strange fernom..., phernom...., Phennome... Something strange happened when we walked down the street. There were hundreds of thousands (so it seemed) of little old ladies stood at a bus stop. No mens just ladies. As if all the old ladies in town had been told to come into town and catch the same bus and do you know what? Not one of the ladies knew the weather forecast for the day, even the week ahead. They ALL had big coats on, woolly YES WOOLLY hats on and - wait for this - umbrellas!!!!!!!!! Now even a blind man with a blind dog could see and even feel it was not the type of weather for such an attire. No wonder these old people get smaller as they get older. they shrivel up.

There were lots of hardly dressed girls, the type grandad seems to watch a lot (I've seen him out of the corner of my eye) but they all spoke with "Oh my god - yeah - like no" in every sentence. What is that all about? Grandad said they were two sandwiches short of a picnic which is why I expect they were in town - to pick up some more at the bakers house. He said I have to steer clear of them when I'm older but I did already as I drove the buggy to the other side of the path.

We then went around a corner by the church and we arrived in a special place. We were in the Meerkat where they sell lots of lovely fruit and not so lovely plastic hand bags and watches that work backwards once you get home. The people there were fantastic, all sorts of colourful people in even more colourful clothes. Some of them were wearing curtains and some real black people wearing clothes made from deck chairs - reds, greens, yellows. It was brilliant. There was a HUGE black man there who laughed so loud that his whole body shook, small islands in the Specific Ocean get flooded when he chuckles, I then heard another strange language: 

"Paynd of narnas, get yer luvly narnas 'ere" 

It was both strange in the sense that I never understood a word of it yet I did at the same time. 

"Hello darling, wanna look at my plums?" 

Goodness me, the man wanted the lady to grab some of his plums!!! I couldn't believe me earholes (I'm picking up the lingo already!!)! Was this allowed on a typical British street? I'm sure a lot of that goes on some Friday and Saturday nights in town but this was Monday morning!! A lady held out some fruit for him to take.

"Wow, luvly melons daring"

Grandad said yes, her melons were rather nice but I don't think this is for a young impressionable toddler to be hearing. I'm going to write to my MP.

"Paynd of apples and a luvly pear......", "Grapes, grapes glorious grapes, get yer grapes 'arf a nicka". "Come on ladies, gavver raynd and take a look at this......."

Off he went again so I decided it was time to go, I turned the buggy around and drove off dragging grandad along behind me. As we walked through town, some men came up to grandad with those clippyboards and lots of paper. My grandad must be telipaffik because as they got to about 3m (or 10ft in grandad talk), he simply said "No thanks" and I drove past them without any problem at all. 

Right, home time and some luncheon. It was soooooooooooooo hot today, I didn't want anything to eat. I sat nicely in my chair, gratefully received whatever local delicacy that my caring grandparent thrust upon my good-self whilst practising Wheels on the bus, then much to grandad's displeasure, I couldn't eat a thing. I had a little drinky then lobbed my cup across the table with the accuracy of an Exocet missile as it knocked nanny's balls on the floor - well, not actually nanny's balls as that would prove to be rather unfortunate for both nanny and grandad should they find such an appendage on nanny after such a long time together - I mean her wicker balls that she attempts to decorate the table with - I decorated the floor with them!! 

Grandad put me in his swimming pool in the garden but I was having none of that I can tell you. I usually love splishy-splashing but today I'm afraid this little soldier wasn't playing. I got a bit tired then had a snooze just before dinner. When I wakied up, both nanny and mummy were there but I was the grumpiest I'd been for ages. To be honest, it was just a show so they would think that El Tres Amigos aren't always happy, which of course is a fib but grandad says its ok for toy fibs like that. 

Mummy took me home and then grassed me up!!!! I was happily sat there drinking a bottle of milk and all nice and quiet when she took my picture and then sent it to nanny and grandad. I'd been rumbled!!!!!!

Hasta la vista, amigos
Dogg

Monday July 1st

Both me and grandad were slightly miffed yesterday morning. I was just about to enjoy a bit of shutty eye as I gently slid into a quiet state of slumberness when B-A-N-G went the front door knocker. Grandad nearly filled his nappy let alone me and mine, it was enough to wake the dead people. Grandad went to answer the door and I must say, he was very good at not losing his temper because there in front of us were two people no taller than me, both showing off a smile that could only advertise a very successful recent visit to the dentist.

"Good morning sir" said the cheesy smile man. "It was" replied my grandad. "I'm here to ask you about your views on religion.........." asked the man. Towards the end of the man's sentence, I noticed a change in the tone of it, Grandads expression was clearly enough on its own to indicate to the man that he need go no further. I can't remember what he said to the man but it was polite and not his worky talk but the tiny disciples left with little hesitation. Grandad said he thinks they were called Normans and they were friends of Jesus.

As I was fully wakied up by now, grandad phoned older nanny and said that we'd go for a walk and then pop into see her. So off we set on a gentle stroll through the heaving metropolis of Theale. This is where grandad growed up, no sorry - this is where grandad was little and went to school (nanny said grandad still hasn't growed up yet). We had a walk through the church and looked at some dead peoples beds - I'm really glad the knocky door man didn't wake these up earlier!!!! Grandad said he and nanny got married in the church almost 100 years ago.

We then went to the playground and had a little play on the swings, slide and the whirly thing. Millie wasn't allowed into the playground and I could see that she wanted to really. After that we walked past the little school where grandad went, he said it was just the same as it used to be. As we walked along the road, a policeman drove past and looked at us so I slowed down a little in case he booked me for speedy driving. After a walk down past the shops - these shops are pants, no Next for mummy or nanny, no puter shops for daddy and Uncle Ryan, nothing but foody shops and newspaper shops, oh and one that does picture frames which seemed rather pointless to me - we then made our way to see older nanny. Millie ran down the path and barked at the door, I ran after her but didn't bark at the door. We saw older nanny for a while and I had grandad running around like a lunatic much to the musement of older nanny. 

We popped in the Post man's office on the way back home but it wasn't what I expected. We waited in a long queue because it was apparent that the old lady at the front doesn't get out often. She talked to the lady in the glass cage about her shopping, her family, her dog, her budgie, etc and it took ages. When we got to the lady at the counter, I could see why she was locked in her glass cage - she looked quite dangerous and I assume the policeman put her in the cage to keep us safe whilst she served her customers. Another lady came into the cage, she was smaller but looked just as scary.

When we got back it was my favourite time, dinner time (lunch time) and I tucked into my sarnies like a toddler possessed - hmmmmmmmmm - then I had some fungus things that were magic but I didn't like my grapes although it was fun spitting them out on the floor. It seems Millie doesn't like grapes either. We then went and played in the garden, Millie chased grandad, grandad chased me, I chased Millie. I walked up the path and rattled the gate but I couldn't escape. I need to dig a tunnel next time and I watched The Great Escape to get some ideas. Grandad took me indoors so I cried, I cried a lot. Grandad took me outside again. Grandad made some potatoes for me and him for tea (dinner) tonight but he'll be in trouble with nanny because he ate most of them whilst they were colding down. He had to make some more and then realised there may not be enough for nanny and Uncle Ryan. Uncle Ryan was at home and grandad was annoyed with him because he got red from the sun yesterday. Grandad doesn't like sunshine redness, he wasn't a happy bunny rabbit. Me and grandad watched the ping-pong on the telly again where the English girl kept up the great British tradition of not getting to the next round, then I got a little tired so grandad told me it was siesta time. 

When I got up, me and grandad went outside again and he pulled up some weeds whilst I sweeped them up. The brush was a bit big but it meant I could reach the fence without really moving. I played in the garden with Millie and grandad until nanny came home, I ran up the path to meet her which pleased us both.

Nanny gave me my tea (dinner) and I got on with it myself; potatoes, fish and veg with baby trees. I walked up the road with nanny when grandad went to work and we popped over to see Robbo and Amelia. I don't know what happened next because grandad had gone to work.