So, today there's some sort of footy match going on near London I hear. If England win they get to go on holiday to a place called Brazil where the ladies wear not many clothes on the Coconut and Banana Beach and the men all lay face down in the sand for reasons of which I have no idea. Seems stupid that with all those girls around and the fellas don't look.

This football match has about 80% of the local town population gripped in its vice-like jaws. For these local guys, this is a making or breaking game and they will be dancing in the streets if they win or running riot if they lose. It is just as important for the other 20% - who will do the same if England win!!

For all my Polish Fans, the following note (don't worry its not rude):
Do wszystkich moich małych polskich uczniów i przyjaciół, może dziś życzę wam powodzenia w meczu piłki nożnej z Anglią. Proszę nie wychodzić i szalał po ulicach miasta, kiedy traci dzisiaj. tylko wyjątkiem, że są "znacznie lepiej niż ty", który jest, dlaczego są oczywiście tutaj na pierwszym miejscu. W tym pamiętać, życzę wam na pożegnanie.

Right, yesterday at granddads was another cooky day and it was great fun. In the morning we watched a telly show about Lobsters, ugly looking critters that granddad says are nice to eat. EAT? Why on earth would anybody want to eat these yukky looking things, they have big grabbers on the front for mashing up things like crabs and cars and things, they had waggy tails and seemed to swim backwards. How stupid is that??

When I first got to granddads, I went upstairs to wake Uncle Ryan up as he was off for the day. He woke up with eyes like a Chinaman, said "Hello Dogg" and fell asleep again so an hour or so later, I ran up stairs to change my nappy with granddad and I wanted to take the wet one into Uncle Ryan and slap it on his head but granddad wouldn't let me. I walked to his bed and Uncle Ryan's eyes were now mended and he gave me a big cuddle after I jumped on him. He makes me laugh, he's so funny.

When granddad said it was dinner time and Homlet was on the menu so I dragged the big chair over to the working top and decided to help him. We broke some eggs, hundreds of them and bashed them up into a bowl. Granddad then turned on the cooker and we poured the eggs into the big flat pan. He cut up some cheese and I borrowed a bit, so he cut up some more then put it into the Homlet. That was it - as simples as the Meerkat.com. He cut some off then put it on my plate and he then ate the rest.

Now that the summer has gone, we're at the start of the wet season. This means that we all have to go around in big nappies to stay dry. Answer me this if you please; why did we stay in all day to play games and eat food and then go for our walk just as it started to rain? Who in their right mind takes out a young gentleman (namely me) when there is a risk of getting ones hair messed up? It's ok for the old fella, he has no need for a decent hairstyle but mine went all frizzy and I looked like the fizzy girl on Corrie. Now it was on this walk of ours around the quiet suburbs near granddads house that we came across 3 ladies, all at separate times but each of them made a bee-line for us (whats a bee-line? Can't be a straight line as bees fly like butterflies and go all wiggly around the sky). The first lady was about granddads age or thereabouts and she came over saying "Hello beautiful" as she walked. Granddad smiled, I went all cooty and she went straight to Millie!!! The second was a young girl about 18/19 and she was just as complementary as she approached us. I smiled, granddad went all cooty and yes, she went straight for Millie. Now the third lady was a nice Chinese lady who once again muttered things about looking 'gorgeous and ruvvery' and she too, made straight to Millie. Me and granddad exchanged looks and decided the lady was thinking "Yes, ruvvery with vegetables and lice in a cully". Needless to say we made or excuses and bid her a fond farewell.

Once back, we headed for the kitchen again and granddad got some chicken ready with some spicy powder stuff. Some taytoes with garlic and the usual vegetables for healthy living. Nanna came home just as it was ready and granddad put it out along with some fishies for nanna.

Next week the plan is to make mummy and daddy some fairy cakes and I'm going to get messy, granddad says I can break the eggs, I can mix the talcy powder stuff but he has to do the hot cooker stuff. Then we have to try six or seven of them to make sure they're ok and then send any left home to mummy and daddy. Can't wait already......

Żegnaj teraz

 

Dogg

Today has been a day of challenges, not the usual barmy day that my host and his guest usually encounter but a day where we ran the risk of something doing considerably breasts upwards (Nanna won't like me saying tits up so I won't). 

 

First challenge was getting grandad to pick me up on time. It's not like him to be late but he had to do some worky stuff at 4am. I waited and waited and waited until finally, my smooth topped grandad arrived in his different car. Proper transport for The Dogg this morning, a nice curvy Swedish girl rather than the tattered old French thing that I usually get. I felt like Prince George, that new royal fella. 

Today's pilgrimage through the rosy suburbs of our quiet neighbourhood took us the back way to town where we saw an ideal opportunity to have some fun in a game grandad called 'Run the Gauntlet'. In town there were various groups of neatly dressed people with clipboards and they were stopping people to ask questions about 'Saving the Whale' (I'm not too sure which one though and I'm disappointed that it only seems to be the one whale), 'Thoughts on recycling' (no good to us as we bought the car in and not the bike) and 'Amazon Rain Forest Protection' (this amused us considerably as they were standing next to some workmen who were cutting down a tree). Our plan, sorry, grandads plan was to walk amongst these clipboarders and see if we could get from one end of the street to the other without getting stopped. Our first run was rather easy because granddad walked too far away from them but me, Millie and the Old Fella had a quick huddle at the end of the run and decided to live a little more dangerous so, on our second run, we walked really close to the clipboarders but without making any eye contact. My heart was going bumperty, bumperty, bump all the way but we made it. Huddle and game plan number two; this time granddad actually drove us towards these people AND attempted to make eye contact. When the man or lady smiled and was about talk, we would simply steer away from them and leave them in mid sentence. To be honest, I failed to see the funny side other than driving fast at people then doing a last minute swervy thing, although that made me chuckle a lot - grandad on the other hand was in fits of uncontrollable laughter, leaving me somewhat embarrassed and the general public wondering if he really should be in charge of two dogs in a busy street!!!

After dinner, we had the most bestest fun for ages!!! Hells Kitchen would provide host to me and grandad making some bread (not money, eaty bread). Dolly texted nanna about some bread stuff and she said to granddad that it would be a good idea for him to make some bread with me - nanna doesn't really understand the pressures of modern day culinary events at home with little people. At work its different, who cares at work as the cleany ladies have better skills at tidying up than grandad. Before we started, I suffered the indignity of being stripped down to my nappy and then being forced to wear my snazzy apron. Grandad said it was to keep my clothes from getting too grubby but that doesn't seem to bother him normally, so today I am the Nearly Naked Chef!! I did notice that he never attempted to get down to his nappy!!

Grandad said we needed some greedy ants or something so we could make the bread. He got this enormous bag of talcum powder-like stuff from Millie's treat cupboard and read the structions on the back of the packet, well he tried to as I kept taking his glasses of him! He read it out loud so I could help him get the greedy ants:

• 500g flowers - I wasn't sure what the 'g' was but imagined it was a Merican recipe and the 'g' meant 'grannies', so off I popped to get 500 of grannies flowers from the garden. This didn't please grandad too much and needless to say will please nanna even less!!
• A knob of butter!!! - Excuse me! You can cook with those????
• 1 tbsp of Beast - Millie? Garden bugs? I have no idea!
• 1 tbsp of Salt
• 1 tbsp of Sugar
• 2 Batteries - These weren't in the greedy ants but I put them in anyway. Grandad took one out straight away but didn't see the other until after the hairy cupboard bit. 

I have no idea what tbsp is so I just tipped in a couple of handfuls. Grandad said he had to knead the flowers and butter together which I thought was obvious as we needed to make it anyway!! He put the talc over the worktop which I thought was very messy and nanna would go ballistic, so I wiped it all on the floor. He put down some more and I simply tutted at him for being so damn clumsy. He mashed the talc and butter, then added the Beast and the couple of handfuls tbsp's and some water then he gave it to me to have a go. YUK! It stuck to my hands like pooh in a nappy so I picked up the whole lot (which was so heavy it made my eyes pop!) and threw it on the floor. Uncle Ryan said 'Oh dear' in French and laughed. I laughed to as it must've been funny and then done it again when grandad picked it up. He said any gritty bits in the bread could be passed off as seeds.

After he made it into a massive lump of mess, he tried to hide it in the hairy cupboard for an hour. For someone married to nanna for so long, he sure does ask for trouble! After a while, an hour I assume, he mashed it again, hid it back in the hairy cupboard then took it out once more to put it in the oven. I think he was trying to keep it a secret from nanna but I knew she would see because of the mess he'd made with the talc on the floor.

After a had a little snooze, grandad took some little bread rolls out of the oven but they didn't look the same as the ones he tried to hide, he must've made some more whilst I slept. He took off a smidgy bit and gave it to me - hmmmmmmmmm, it was scrumptious. He put the others on a plate to get cold then tried to tidy up before nanna came home then we sat and read some books where I started to learn yellow and Squidge (Millie's toy).

After nanna came home, I had some chicken, rice and veggies before daddy came over to get me. Nanna didn't like grandad's bread rolls so told daddy to take them home.

Yet another great day at Hells Kitchen and I can't wait for the next attempt to use our culinary magic with grandad in his version called 'Fifteen Hour Meals'.

Hast manana
Dogg

What a day I've had today. All go, go, go. All work and no play!!! This is not the way a growing lad needs to be like. 

We looked on tinternet this morning and I've no idea how we found it but grandad found a page about a man called "Shipwreck Kelly". There were two, one was an American footballer which isn't football as they carry it but the other man is who catched our attention. He was famous for sitting on poles for days at a time. They called him Shipwreck Kelly because he survived the boat that turned into a submarine after hitting that ice cube thing.  They sent him food up on a long stick and I assume he sends down wee and ploppies the same way but hopefully in a different bucket!!! It's brilliant, he's my new hero and I'm going to practice when I'm older. Grandad says there are hundreds of Poles in town who I can practice with but I'm not sure I'll get as high with them. 

We had to take Millie to the doggy doctors today as she has a blister on her hoof. We got there in true grandad style - about two hours too early - so we had to wait and wait and wait. I decided it was time to explore and it wasn't long before I gave grandad an achy head. Some of you will know that I have this little thing with Millie leaving her dinner and water bowls on the floor. They have to be picked up as soon as I make my entry into Chez Grandad's. Now, at the doggy doctors there's a bowl in the reception area with some water in it along with a massive rock (apparently the rock makes doggies wee wee tastier and it doesn't burn the grass!!). I took it upon myself, whilst grandad signed Millie in, to pick up the bowl of not-so-much water now and the big rock. It went everywhere and after grandad took his head out of his hands and he'd stopped jumping up and frown like a demented monkey (I believe this is not the first time he's been described as that either!!!), he told the lady that a dog must've tipped it over and she mopped it up. 

We went in and the doggy doctor lady, a rather nice looking specimen it must be said and one that didn't go unnoticed in the old fellas eyes, took a look at Millie then took her out back to mend her poorly hoof. When she came back, Millie ran out at 100 mph to grandad, he paid some more of that paper money stuff (he's been very generous the last few weeks) and we made a hasty exit with some little sweets for Millie. 

I was very tired on the way to the doggy doctors and it was bad enough that grandad waked me up as we went in but blow me down he done the same when we got home. I was just dropping off into noddyland when he got me out of the car. My eyes were really sleepy and achy. They woke up a bit when grandad conjured up a fine plate of his finest clucklebury cuisine and after a few minutes playing, I stood still for a few minutes and then fell over!! Grandad said I actually fell asleep standing up, now THAT is a clever trick. Grandad took me upstairs to bed and I enjoyed a few sleepy winks. 

After my little breather we went to buy some chicken and other stuff for dinner (or tea in old mans talk) and then we got back and cooked it and played outside. When we came in, grandad showed me a game that was on the telly before I was made. It was called "Bring on the wall". Now, in this game, people have to make the shape that comes towards them on a wall. If they get it right, they're ok. If not, they end up in the watery pool. Grandad went to walk through the door into the kitchen and it be honest, it's not hard to make the shape of a door is it? Dead easy to get through a hole like that I hear you say - no, not for grandad. As he walked through the door, he missed and "Bring on the wall" won because he bumped his head on the door frame. I followed him through and made it without a hitch so I'm the winner 'GO, GO, GO,'

Usual performances after this, nanna came home and took over from grandad, tea/dinner was consumed at a faster rate than Lewis Hamilton drives and then grandad escaped out the back door when mummy came by.

Catch you all next week
DOGG